Ella Thinks…

Unemployment gives you the time of your life to pause, and appreciate lifes pains and joys. Whether you like it or not, this stage of your life gives you all the TIME in the world that you once complain about not having any.

To some, having so much time to do anything you like is such a wonderful blessing. To me, its the other way around. For the past 3 years of my life, I have been used to the hustle and bustle of the metro. I breathe smoke, I have an erratic schedule due to work, and I love shopping. I thought it would be like that forever, I would’ve loved that moment to go on and on for ages. Now Im in the exact opposite…

Depressive… Boring… and suffocating… Thats the best words to describe this "mean time" I am in. While my friends rejoice in their career success, I dwell in the dark corner of my room, shedding tears to what could’ve been a happy moment. Unemployment grabs you of your self-esteem. Its as if it suctions out all the confidence that I have built throughout the years in just a split second. It robbed me of my peace of mind, more importantly, I lost myself in this process. The saddest part there, is that I don’t even know when will I find it again.. or will I ever find it?

Whats worse than unemployment?

I guess being in that situation and at the sametime be placed in between your hubby, in laws and family… what better word to describe it is simply CHAOS! It feels as if Im in a midst of a jungle trapped between a raging lion, an angry alligator, and a grumpy orangutan… and there is no escape! Sometimes, I wish I had harry potter’s invisibility cloack so I can just float around far from everything and everyone…

Who should I choose? Should I defend my hubby even if at times he was at fault? Should I despise my family for being what and who they are? Should I stay mad at my in laws and just shut them out of our lives? I guess this is not as simple as it seems…

Worst of all there’s no one here to blame but ME. I once attended a seminar about customer experience, and I can remember the speaker saying "whatever you have in life is what you want!". I didn’t want this to be a chapter of my life… but it happened… Thinking again, I guess this was all my fault. I made all the decisions.

So whats in between unemployment, in law and family chaos?

Me.. Lost in the midst of this mess…

One hour na lang birthday ko na. 26 years… tanda ko na din pala.

I have a lot of things to be thankful for.

Thank god for life… I also thank God for my biological parents who paved the way para mabuhay ako… ( I wonder kung naiisip pa rin ba nila ako? Will they ever find me? Did they ever look for me?) I am very grateful sa adoptive parents ko, who loved me every breathing hour of their lives… unconditional…

I thank God for Mark, my partner for life…

Thank God for Mikee, our source of strength and joy

Did I ever had regrets for the past 26 years?

Wla cguro, I know I’ve made tons of mistakes… pero di naman ako matututo kung wala ang mga yun. I may have met tons of people, pero kahit isa wala akong nireregret na nakilala ko, even my Ex-es… nagging part na sila ng pagkatao ko eh… Could’ve Beens? Minsan meron… pero di naman ako ang asa driver seat… kaya accepted ko lahat…

Happy ba ako?

Hmm, mahirap na tanong yan…

From time to time cguro, OO. Esp now na andito na sa buhay namin si Mikee, she brings laughters and joy to us every single minute of the day.

Nahihirapan akong sagutin yan. Cause there are chapters in my life that have caused me pain, and until now, im still hurting and recuperating from it. Pero ayaw ko naman magpatali sa mga painful experiences, it cripples you… Lets just say, I am contented with how I lived my life for the past 26 years, but I am still looking and praying for a brighter tomorrow….

Changes?

Naku madami… Nangunguna na ang weight. I just came from the Dr the other day… and narinig ko na naman ang litanyang “you need to loose weight, mag diet ka” How do we truly loose weight without feeling down? And why do I keep pushing that idea away? Cguro dahil 4 na taon ko na ring dinedeny ang pagiging mataba ko… and I’ve been avoiding reality. Nung una sabi ko sa sarili ko, “eh ano ngayon kung tumaba ako? What matters is yung laman ng puso at utak ko!” pero harsh talaga sa mga matataba ang mundo… kahit gaano pa ko ka strong, sad pa rin ako dhail nagpapakain ako sa mga insecurities ko. I didn’t expect na lolobo ako ng ganito… and I keep insisting na all it takes is isang pirasong needle para pumayat ako..(asa ka pa ella…)

Future?

Dati, I can confidently say that my family and I will have a bright future… ngayon.. I just let the driver take control… wala naman akong ibang sinisisi… this is a humbling experience for me, at marami akong natutunan. Depressive? Yes… but I wouldn’t trade it for anything else…

Birthday Wish?

Sabi nila sa mga bata lang uso ang bday wish… the little kaye within me has her own wish…. And its only 30 more minutes till the clock strikes twelve… I will blow my cake tomorrow and will still whisper my 26^th bday wish…