Ella Thinks…

It’s almost a month now till my last menstruation… and here we are back where we started…

Like what I said in my previous post, this is actually my nth time to check if im positive or not… 36 months has already passed and month per month we eagerly await for the moment that the tests would prove that we are pregnant…

this month, things were different…

for the previous months, i was taking hormones to regulate my menstrual cycle… and then since April I stopped… I tried another strategy…

we started attending in Alabang New Life every sunday and rekindled our relationship with god. So since then I prayed to god that we will await patiently for the right time… and let his will be done.

So since I dont take hormones anymore I expected that my menstrual cycle will also be irregular… but last May, my visitor came… it was erratic and short… but it came! without any medications!

Was it a sign? Is that what we’ve been waiting for?

June came and I didnt have my period until now…

Friends kept telling me I should be checking by now… even Mark feel that this time, this may be it! The symptoms maybe right… I started to feel nauseated every morning on our way to work… I sleep all day after I come from work. I gained few more pounds… Mark woke me up in the middle of the night, he embraced me so tight and whispered, I can’t wait to see how our baby would look like…

Part of me leaped with joy but at the same moment, I felt empty…

But what if this turned out to be another one of those false alarms that we’ve had in the past… What if this is just a part of my hormonal imbalance? I know this would hurt him much… and honestly I can’t stand it everytime I see him cry…

But what if his suspicions were right? Am I ready to be a mom? Am I ready for the changes?

This week I promised myself I will do the test again… Im praying that I may be ready for whatever the result is… That our hearts be opened to God’s plan…

Maybe ate nory was right…

Maybe…

this week, a friend of mine gave birth sa isang napakacute na baby…

it made me happy at the same time sad…

happy kase selina’s delivery was safe and healthy yung baby… happy din ako kasi naging part ako ng pregnancy niya and tagal tagal na naming inanticipate ang pagdating ng baby niya… even mark played a big role sa pagbubuntis at panganganak niya… parang pati kaming dalawa proud parents ni baby alex… mark was there nung nanganak sha and di mo maipipinta ang mukha niya… i’ve never seen him that happy…

which made me sad as well…

almost 3 years na kaming married… and till now, wala pa rin kaming baby. god knows nakailang palit na rin ata ako ng OB Gyne… i can’t even count the times na inakala naming positive na but turned out negative pa rin talaga. malaki laki na rin ang nagagastos namin for that… nakakalungkot lang isipin na somehow, i may not be able to make my husband a dad… and honestly masakit for me na may mali sa akin…

although may positive side din naman tong mga nangyayari, i know for a fact that deep inside di pa rin naman ako ready to have a baby, financially speaking… malaki din kasing money ang gagastusin for that, and sa estado ko ngayon… talagang mahihirapan ako.. emotionally, ang focus ko kasi ngayon is my work and mark. though we’ve been together for almost 3 years, feeling ko di pa rin enough yung pinagsamahan namin dahil most of the times nakatutok ako sa work ko…

so bakit nga ba ako nagmamadali?

part of that is because mark is already 30… of course tumatanda na kami pareho and kaya gusto ko na talgang magkaroon ng angel sa family namin. second reason, is cause I know i would be a good mom… and halos lahat ng friends ko may baby na rin…

i know that i have other options like adoption… i’m very much open for that.. esp because of my personal background.. pero the only thing that’s holding me back is what if magkaanak pa din kami?

im thinking to wait a few more years pa and see if mabibigyan din kami ng blessing ni god katulad ni alex… or if not naman, i know mark and i would be a blessing to other babies who’se looking for a home…

bahala na si god… let his will be done…

this week, a friend of mine gave birth sa isang napakacute na baby…

it made me happy at the same time sad…

happy kase selina’s delivery was safe and healthy yung baby… happy din ako kasi naging part ako ng pregnancy niya and tagal tagal na naming inanticipate ang pagdating ng baby niya… even mark played a big role sa pagbubuntis at panganganak niya… parang pati kaming dalawa proud parents ni baby alex… mark was there nung nanganak sha and di mo maipipinta ang mukha niya… i’ve never seen him that happy…

which made me sad as well…

almost 3 years na kaming married… and till now, wala pa rin kaming baby. god knows nakailang palit na rin ata ako ng OB Gyne… i can’t even count the times na inakala naming positive na but turned out negative pa rin talaga. malaki laki na rin ang nagagastos namin for that… nakakalungkot lang isipin na somehow, i may not be able to make my husband a dad… and honestly masakit for me na may mali sa akin…

although may positive side din naman tong mga nangyayari, i know for a fact that deep inside di pa rin naman ako ready to have a baby, financially speaking… malaki din kasing money ang gagastusin for that, and sa estado ko ngayon… talagang mahihirapan ako.. emotionally, ang focus ko kasi ngayon is my work and mark. though we’ve been together for almost 3 years, feeling ko di pa rin enough yung pinagsamahan namin dahil most of the times nakatutok ako sa work ko…

so bakit nga ba ako nagmamadali?

part of that is because mark is already 30… of course tumatanda na kami pareho and kaya gusto ko na talgang magkaroon ng angel sa family namin. second reason, is cause I know i would be a good mom… and halos lahat ng friends ko may baby na rin…

i know that i have other options like adoption… i’m very much open for that.. esp because of my personal background.. pero the only thing that’s holding me back is what if magkaanak pa din kami?

im thinking to wait a few more years pa and see if mabibigyan din kami ng blessing ni god katulad ni alex… or if not naman, i know mark and i would be a blessing to other babies who’se looking for a home…

bahala na si god… let his will be done…

this week i have to face tons of paperworks, meetings and deadlines to meet. Ironically this is also the week that I only get to work 3 days a week…

sometimes i ponder what it is that I liked about this job that I have… maybe it would be the pay… or maybe its about the people that I work with…

Its very rewarding I must say, but the stress level is also very high. No wonder I dont get to put make up on nor fix my appearance once I start with work. Yes I usually stay hours at work just to finish everything..

but why do i stay?

its really because of the people i work with… my team, and friends that I found at work. It gives me fulfilment that no one else can…

Throughout the years that I’ve worked with this company, I have mentored a lot. Some of them has already stepped up the ladder… some of them were gone… but its the influence that I have with others that I enjoy the most.

I may not be the best supervisor there is… but i definitely think I have left a mark in each and everyone of them…

God has truly guided me in finding the perfect one for me…

30 years ago, he created mark… destined to be mine… for the rest of my lifetime…

We met ages ago, while I was on a vacation in aklan. If my memory serves me right, I was around 12 years old. He was the only good looking guy in the church camp and he instantly caught my eye. I was really head over heels with him then but kept it within me cause I still don’t know how to approach him. Then days later, he started visiting me… His sister became one of my closest friend, and thru her we started to get to know each other.

When the time had come for me to go back to Manila, I know that it’ll be impossible for us to be together…

His letters arrive… and I responded so eagerly… but distance is so hard to bear… I moved on… and he also did… I’ve met several other men whom I fell in love with.

After 4 years, he came back to my life, this time formally courting me. And since I am still physically attracted to him I said yes. But another trial has come our way… he had to work abroad… at first I thought well maybe when he comes back, things would fall back into place.. but I was wrong… this time, I fell out of love and fell in love with another man.

After the break up, I never imagined I would see him again… esp now that Ive caused so much pain.

Years passed….

One summer, I went back to the province to do some soul searching.. I had to recuperate from a heartbreak. I was in my darkest moment. I’m in the process of finding myself and picking up the pieces again. Not yet ready to be committed, not trusting anyone at all. But then the unimaginable happened… Our phone rang… and a familiar voice is on the other line…

From that moment on, we became friends… he started courting again… but then i was not sure if I’m still attracted to him or to anyone else whose courting me. All I know was I ready to play games.

I moved to Iloilo to live independently and try to see if I could survive on my own. I learned a lot of things when I was there, met a lot of new people, new acquaintances… taught me things i never known… met new love interests.

But Mark never gave up on me. I did bad things, hurt him, and even drove him na magpakalbo because of me… But he never left my side… holding on to what we have even if I was not a 100% committed.

When I went back to aklan. I discovered the other side of him, someone I never imagined him to be. He cooked for me and my whole family, helped me take care of my lolo, cleaned our house, and everything a probinshano would do to court a girl.. and for the first time after the heartbreak… I felt loved… genuinely loved…

He brought me to places I’ve never seen… did the simplest things in the most romantic ways… and little did I know of,I fell hard… really in love…

Months later…. I was already planning our wedding.

After 2 years of being with him, our marriage is not perfect. We had our bad times and up… but one thing remained strong… his love… he loved me, my bad side and the good. He’s taken real good care of me ( to the point that I now weight 150 lbs) and has drove me closer to god.

Now, I couldn’t see my mornings without him by my side… or my nights without him to cuddle up with.

though life may be rough.., i know i will always have him to run to…

and i will love him until the very last day…